Wilderness allows one to find oneself and also to lose oneself

Watch wild, the film. Creates lots of thots within my mind. No action. I visualise myself doing it. No i doubt i have the guts and perseverence now. Will i be able to make it till the end. Fear gripped me, at the thot of me not making it. Fear gripped me, at the thot of myself nt having the chance to do it.

I have visualised myself getting lost in a new city. In the wild. Where nobody else is around. Nobody to rely on. And the fear of the unknown or danger you are abt to face. Uncertainty. And yet there is fun. The exciting opportunity to look out for what's ahead. looking forward to whats to go and what i will overcome. What i will encounter and what will be chronicled. In the wilderness. Taking in nature. How much i would have missed out if i dun get on this trip. I wouldnt have realised there are so many hidden corners and gems on earth. Iceland. Amazing corner. Glad and relieved and grateful that mervyn was with me. What would i do and how would i survive if i was alone. Treking up the slope to the top of the walking falls. Watching my steps not to fall on the slippery ice on the black sand beach and getting stuck in the snow with nobody else around and with no one who will be passing this way any sooner. Fjords and volcanic rocks. They are so huge, like the sky and i am jus a tiny speck among them. It would be a great experience tho. Target to trek alone. Everyone shld do it at least once in a lifetime.

The closest i got was a single day trip to and fro on foot to the outskirts of newcastle upon tyne and yes it leaves me such deep impression. I jus walked on and on, aimlessly, the grassland is so huge and i was all alone on the dirtpath in the middle of big grassland. I was jus walking towards the horizon. That is true peace. Inner peace and external peace. The world is such a wonderful place to be in. Such tranquility. A still moment where everything is within ur reach, within ur control and u are free to do whatever u want, with no constraints.

Gifts of life

Thanks to all who had given me the gifts of life.

The many in my life, some who had left deep impressions, some who may not have, but all have contributed to who i am today. The teachings, the advices, the chats, the sharing, the effort and time spent, the offers, the provisions, the infinite number of things, thanks.

Everyone should say thank you to those you want to and those who deserves to be thanked. Do it asap, as many times as possible, dont wait, till too late.

Reminiscing is sometimes scary. Have i reciprocated enough? I always try to balance as much. Action and reaction forces to be equal. Things shld be made as fair as possible. Especially so when things happen due to certain reasons and the responses. Exposure is essential, things would have been worse without experiences. Without remembering the experiences. The bustling life has made me forgotten so much of the roads where i have trodded on. Now that aware, something shld be done to correct this. Ganbatte!

Struggles and choices and decisions

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/struggles-of-free-spirit-woman/993046/

My struggles indeed. Im relieved that there r pple of my kind in the world. How many percent r they on earth.

Sometimes i feel that prolly i try to care less and seek less to be understood, then i will be less pekcek in repeating what i mean and trying to convey a message that nv seem to get across to others. Shrugs. N when they dont get it, i will be ji dong which is translated to be excitement or agitation. They have positive and negative connotation respectively. But i chose to use ji dong cos it is more neutral as compared to the english version. Or maybe different interpretationz. Ji dong when i need to repeat more than once ( that means the 3rd third time which seems to be my average tolerance lvl, i think quite low for some ); ji dong when the person doesnt get it. These r prolly the 2 main causes. It is so difficult to communicate to some. How come there r some who gets it? It is like i haven even finish then they know wat i mean and what im gg to say. And they simply say im so predictable and so open book. And indeed i am. Struggles of a straight forward person as well. We voice all that is in our head. Recently, i really there r many differing interpretations of the same words. And since body language speaks more than words, the same body gestures bring different interpretation from the audience as well.

And thanks to dear frenz who bluntly, openly and candidly pointed out to me new discoveries. " wa wa she is really like doing work " i paused awhile and think what is it that is like working? But let me continue first. And yea i brought up the topic again so it is really the jidong ness. And also i ve time lapse in my mind, my fren repeated what i said 5 mins ago. To me it seems like 5min has passed, but the others were like 5 min? It has only been 30sec. how come lag so long? Didnt i jus say it..did u catch that jus now? Was it intentional? Did i speak too fast? It was really amazing to me. And yes not that i am saying im amazing. Never! See? Misinterpretation. I was really amazed, fearful in fact of such a great gap of concept of time or concept of happenings ard us. Such gaps, such misconceptions cause miscommunication. What makes the person infer this way? That im amazing? No. Never. I was worried. That nobody understood and misinterpreted. So ya question is why do i care, why do i fear, why does it matter. I hate to be maligned. And this is really the answer such that the matter was amplified within my head. But anyway back to the real topic of now i discover why i always rush thru things. To me, it seems like aeons. Im easily bored and always feel that im wasting time. Seriously ya where am i rushing to. The truth is to the grave literally and yea i dont fear death.

I was recently narrating abt my encounter in amsterdam when i was 22 yrs old. How time flies. Seriously. Urgh...so old. So then i was relieved that i didnt try the shrooms with the guys who got wasted and totally look like ghost when we went to their hostel room in the morning. We left them there and went exploring to the holland countryside on our own. Totally no reactions. What are seeing in their head? Magical unicorns flying into the air? Tat was the scene frm the movie whitecastle. And obviously they cant rmb a thing. Suppose to have some illusions that make them feel high. Hilarious indeed.

So i have a timelapse illusion. How do i eliminate this. Is this a disorder? I really need to do things along the way, cannot make any wasted trip, cannot make pple wait, cannot do things slowly and cannot jus meditate. I cant sit still. I was queueing last wkend and witnessed this auntie talking to another then then uncle keep saying the orders are here. Then auntie say wa so fast. Uncle said must be fast one, in sg how can do things slowly. Ah another one that mirrored myself. I mean no right or wrong, really jus different styles and beliefs and behaviours, habits, characters and personalities. Either grp of pple cant stand each other. I know my mum also faces this prob when her colleagues are slow, jamming up the whole production line. As a 3rd party, i will really give the advise to slow down, or jus do double work. But yea i know if i were in her shoes, i wont be able to tolerate the slowness as well, cos cant we all jus do faster and everyone gets to knock off early. But overtime in sch, projs and collaborations have taught me to find other things to do, so yea i cant sit there and do nothing. Yes i have stopped practising stoning for hours to clear my mind. Prolly thats why. These kind of pple, like myself, need to be placed in the right positions to tap on the strengths so that less agony is experienced by themselves and those ard them.

Another contrasting grp of pple involves those who lives with everything makes sense and happens for a reason, there are always logic and supporting reasons for smth that happens. There is no such thing as dunno. Dunno then find out.  It is either this or that depends on context and there shld be clarity for the next move. They will clear obstacles to unstuck matters so that things get completed. Do i need to describe more?The other grp is entirely opposite. Really these 2 grps also cant stand each other. How to live harmoniously? Minimise conversations or getting into debates? There is always no ans. Or grey ans then next come agitation. Contradiction is illogical, unless intentional then it shld be communicated. Yes we do not agree with "if cant convince, confuse" tho it is tactic of the other grp. Trying to smoke thru.

Being problem solver, constantly seeking for resolutions. Seeking for better ways to overcome these. Need a change of environment. The change shld enable one for further development not to hinder or to develop in the opposite direction, enhancing the wrong traits. The failure of enabling oneself. Create ur own path, do not let others influence u the negative way. It is sad to have pple learning the wrong stuff, the childlike instincts are gone, instead got polluted by these horrible society who mould those who thrive to survive. Define childlike instincts and put them to good use. Everyone shld really plan for their paths. And also be enablers to others, if not stay out of their paths. Thats the least u can do.

Work aside, Im saddened by what is happening at home. Why do we need to condone such actions and put up with their presence. What is home and what is family. Honestly i have given up, the fighting spirit is gone. Since i can only control my actions, i shall jus float by, keep repeating to myself that it doesnt matter, dun let it affect u, and whatever happens, u have chosen to give up and chosen to let go. Goodbye to good old days. Sometimes it is the easiest and best solution to not deal with it head on, jus escape. My heart is dead.

I will try to do the same for work. I will let go the responsibility and to take in whatever is ard like a free spirited person, trying to solve everything and make the world better. The fighting flame is gone and i shall withdraw frm getting so immerse. No more believing that it is within my control. Like home, it is beyond my control. Pple are free to do whatever they like, they will receive no comments from me. I shall choose this path and allow the environment to change, allow myself to be trained for this. I had been resisting and making sure no losing of myself in the process. How i loathe the uniformed grp for hierarchical structure tho i appreciate the discipline. While the saying goes a leopard cant change its spots, if i cant, i will search for a place where i can achieve this. Why do pple create such lose-lose situations when the power figure say smth and all others jus follow without uttering a word even tho there is disagreement? Even when they can turn the thing ard and change the game, they kept quiet cos jus let the boss handle. They chose to let go of building a better outcome, they din fight for things to happen. There r many things that the power figure missed out too cos nobody stepped up to lend a hand. This is such a bad culture, such a bad societal norm. Pple jus accept and adapt. Wth. What has everyone become? I need will and determination and perseverence. Goodbye, gdbye to goodness, to old days, to love and care, to help, to happiness, to joy.