Ouch, my tail

Sometimes prolly it is better to give death stares. U know there are jus some wounds that remain open forever n imagine salt being sprinkled onto them. The reflex, the immediate reaction is jumped up, swiped everything off the table and fire at will. thus to avoid such situation, got to train to fire death stares. The silent manner instead of getting worked up.

An interesting find. Hate the elitist way, train train train, it is like jus drills, jus sharpening to reach a "desired target" the structured way. So urgh. The gep way. Taboo, but always what we hate. This encompasses too many traits. Jus like how the express and normal acad pple speak to us with sarcasm "ok lor, of cos u r right, u all are "special"" what. We always kenna verbal abuse. Since sec 1, i wonder why pple want to put pple down like tat. Whats up with the streams? We dont like the gep but we jus secretly hate them. These camp mates are straightforward. very status and rank conscious. Shrugs, a cycle.

I cant stand the structured way, anything that resembles the sg edu will kenna condemed. The mould, the shoulds and should nots. The elitists way. It seems like to them, there is only one way to success. A single path. Trod along else u fall back. Jus loathe it.

But then, i realise actually innately, it is my default inclination, v easy for me to behave in that way, aim to reach where i wan to go, will put myself under training, in the race, to be better according to my own expectations, with relativity still. And then I hate being results oriented, why must we be trapped in the mould the sg way, the deemed to be successful way. and then i realise... i m training myself to go against it. Im breaking away from my natural pref, undergg the stress to become someone who is not me. Here it is, if im not aiming to become better, why am i training myself?

Ironic, and i didnt realise till i thot abt it. Prolly during sch days i was a STJ. it is like trapped in the competition, conscious of scores, conscious of being the best i cna become in all activities/ activities. Being in the top few until i got fed up with this kind of life. Then i change to NTP, but i wonder if it is a clean switch, there could some lingering traces of the character. There is a change in pref. I jus dont want to go the structured way. Pple shld be develop in their own way, not the trainers' way . This is the stress. This is not easy. I will have the tendency to do it the np instructor way, i mean how difficult is it to teach pple what u know, wat u think is right, create a regime, jus train. Easy of cos. What is difficult is to unlock others and enable them to develop in their paths. Teachers need to customise their methods for different students, no longer like the past, one method for all.

I hate the limited edu courses in sg, why are we so geared towards math and science? Why are writers not developed, musicians, architects, designers and artists have fewer or no platforms to perform? Jus cos they think sci and math is required to boost the economy. Why is there more emphasis on the sci stream as compared to the arts stream, how many sgporeans have suffered. if i had not been moving along with them, what was my real strength? If i were left to develop at free will, what would i become? And now they want to push us to the bottom with what we have, what we are supposedly to be stronger with the fts in unis. How many talents have been buried jus cos their own wishful thinking. The society is moulded in the specific direction and not enabling, facilitating and supporting its pple. This is the level up from the usual teaching or coaching. One is not to produce clones of oneself. But indeed this is stressful, the onus becomes to be on the trainers.

And so i discovered that i get annoyed when the old way is pinpointed. Of cos easier for me but is it what i want to become. Shld i give up jus cos it is easier. Inner struggle, have wanted to take it easy a few times. But i will be falling into the mgmt trap...noooooo.....

And then the pros and cons of democracy start to surface. The balance is required for this, cant swing too much on one side. i commended one on purpose to all in the email, to illustrate what is value add, what is going on the extra mile despite how small the task is. Really it is always better to point out someone's weakness through another's success. The intention is there, it is alright if not achieved, if the person din catch it then too bad. Always better than hurting his eco, tho lack of slp and the stress is creating havoc with the temper, not excuses, but have also apologised for firing. We jus need to review what we have been doing is right. trust leads to lack of policing. No there is no breach of trust, jus miscomms. R/s will hurt more if it is the latter. So far we have maintained that. not worth to sour becos of work thus pls control. Soliloquizing.

Fins to fins, tail to tail

A trip to the s.e.a aquarium, thanks to my dear pal, finally made it there cos of the time limited tix. Have wanted to go on my bday but has postponed it till last wk.

We were indeed brave to go on a saturday. Would be more enjoyable if we had the whole place to ourselves, jus the 4 of us. The glass has the magnifying effect, at certain angle, u can feel quite giddy.

Staring and observing the vertical column, brimming with life. So lively. So real. So happening. So much energy. So cohesive. The corals are thriving. The fishes and other organisms are jus living, breathing, creating bubbles. Jus feel wonderful to see such a harmonious sight, in the h2o behind the glass.

Next to the world's largest acrylic panel. The water is not as clear. The manta ray was obvious, the rest of the other stingrays really all look similar. Cant tell the difference. Tiny fishes were swimming with them, feeding off them. Big clumsy fish stared thru the glass at us, lips against the glass, aa if trying to find a way out of the uber big tank. The smaller ones are totally camouflaged in the unclear water, appearing and disappearing out of sight. Some swim and wandered alone in and out of the window of wreck near the sand, some in shoals.

We also saw a super big octopus in action. Lots of jellyfishes. Dolphins are all time favourites. Amused by the sea dragons which totally look like leaves. And many other species which i never know of their existence. We marched towards the exit with all the sharks, thats where they are. The finale.

Wat kind of day is it?

Sigh. Totally in a complainy mode. It is so.....urgh....the adjectives that pop in my head are all abbreviated, means not good to say in full.

Tough day, brain fag. As always, actually wats new. i really dislike wasting time sitting thru mtgs which really dont require my presence, jus split the work to be handled at different lvls mah else super waste time. They jus decide la. Alr recommend, why soak in others time to debate. As if those who sit in have a vote. Unless these mtgs are self dictated to be of self interest for info to broaden perspectives. The time is really better use for me to clear the tons of work piling on the desk. Alamak, i forgot to go round table sometimes for decision also. Sometimes only some will bother to speak up. There is no neutral platform for all to voice. Culprit!

And as always resistant to changes which r not explained. No reasoning. Being sceptical, will naturally question is this required, r we doing the right thing. Or somehow someone says smth it is jus passed on without much thot. When asked, jus keep referring to this name.

Hate it. Things not thot thru thoroughly, iN  pieces, our job to think, fine, but shldnt the additions be frozen. else nv blame for not spotting, cos obviously no time, jus plunging into the water without the goggles, of cos cant see.

Hate also when pple commit on behalf. Either that, or intentionally hide info then they themselves nv think of it, leaving shit behind for others to clear. cos everything is never as it seems. Im a culprit myself thus im wary, promise myself not to overlook. The dependencies are hidden. i can only commit if im the hands and legs, otherwise shld always go back to the hands and legs. Sometimes i jus silently pray that they cant make it on time, like those unforeseen ones which alr happened. Think so easy, do it urself lor. The effort required is nt jus on the surface. We have covered them many times. We have planned and uncovered mines many times luckily most of the time in advance, leaving enuff time. And all these thanks to the levelled up team. Can feel all r starting to think thru questioning. Sugoi. Really applaudable. more gaps are plugged.  But still frustrating when qns are left unanswered and when they finally have the ans, wanna rush the execution team again, nights are burnt, and it isnt their fault at all. Jus feel for them, not fair.

More commendable ones, the attitude. V nice pple. Slogging. Helpless. Trying to help another. Relieved to witness this round the table. Tho a couple are like still giving the "thats ur prob" signal from deep down despite the superficial polite words. After complaining abt last min request, sent over some encouraging words. Poor soul, saw him flattened lips during the mtg, bo bian. amused but empathetic. Not his fault, the coordination is pull hair. some crazy team, condemned forever to the dungeon. Nv once in our whole life, a non hiccupped execution.

Worse of all, pple can still make comments like the pyramid has been inverted. It is a thick column, strong and supporting pillar. Tht is what makes everything works. I swear if this comment is ever made in front of me again, im gg to retaliate. unbelievable. Deeply engraved in my mind. Crap.

Jus like wat bro said, his boss says till machiam like he is gg bali to enjoy. Seriously if bosses think gg on work trips are enjoyable and that they shld be thanked instead for the opportunity, think again. I shall say no more. This is like the column vs pyramid theory. These are the traps that when u become the mgmt, u shld nv fall in. Thats old sch and outdated thinking. They have failed to see from another perspective. u will nv reach an effective team if u cant work with the younger gen.

Ive known too many backstage workers. Ironically, they r the good ones and those who make things happen. Cos they save the time from all the creations for wayanging. Challenge is how to surface all these pple into view. I will broadcast as many names, those who r involved, as possible whenever i have the chance.

Realised it is also the last day of the lunar seventh month with unburnt joss papers and the ashes alongside the roads.

I will definitely feel the loss without my dear partner next next wk. Gd luck to me.

Hope my dear pal not suffering too unbearably overseas pls. Will pray for ur well being and safety.

So nice and rewarding to gulp down cold almond soya bean milk.! Tmr is another day, another destiny, which i shall dictate.

8-L=9, it is the ninth month

Another clueless wkend. Nahhh...haha solved but jus not fast enuff. Torque on the move. The clues are ok except for the last one. Seriously dun get the link.

Not a fan of such events really. Especially the drive. I suppose it will be so much more flexible to bike, the mechanical one. Parking is a chore and one way streets are wasting fuel. So we've tried both the "treasure hunt" by starhub and singtel. Lunch isnt nice, catered at the opel showroom. After lunch was totally zombified, having to wake up at the alarm which sounded off at 645 but finally pulled myself out of bed at 715. Even earlier than wkdays! Dinner is so much better, v much like bfast tho. 

Caught 2 good shows and they are exactly 10 years apart. Sometimes the most amazing experiences begin with the most unexpected circumstances.