So yes since 2 yrs ago, im like dreading my work. I tried to complete what i started. Im surprised that i still appear to have the drive. Appear. Im an open book, im quite sure i show everything on my face. Even my dear teammates noticed the change alr. Oh no. Am i really stepping into the path of no return? Totally destroyed. The drive.
Everything seems meaningless. I know i wont have a sense of achievement of this "used to be glorious and fun and full of learning opportunities" project. We need to handle the infra team and the main con and then the system owners and the direct contractors. The picture was clear in my head. We r the glue. Every one Is doing a good job, it will be better if we glue all these good jobs together. And fill in the holes we happen to identify along the way. The mission was clear. The plan was to share with each other the status. And then it got intercepted by our own pple leh, once in awhile and we had to do it. Unwillingly. M says the solution is to quit. Actually i quitted right, i quit in my mind alr. Tho occassionally i still try to put it back on track cos im wired to do so. It is a struggle. A torture. I teared as i write this. Why did we hve to come down this path? Why is it that there is no choice. I feel that my power, my drive, my passion is taken away. I dun nid to do anything. And u know wat i hate, but im still required to be responsible overall. So it is my mission, i carried it thru. Im a salaried employee. Im a soldier. I can carry the mission. But i cant and will not carry out mindless orders. Wat is to be responsible? Not that i want to control but i felt that i shld know enuff to plan and move the whole troupe. Why am i not being supoorted in this mission. Why is my life made so horrible. I couldnt comprehend. I dont even want to know and be in control if i dont need to be responsible. I really hate the way it is run. Really. And i dont have the drive to make things better alr. There is no pt. cos every time we were told no choice. We had to do in a certain way. Seriously. Im damn sad. We r not even controlling the outcome of the first prt, infra team and the main con. And now the other system owners and direct contractors beocme victimised. I really think it is throwing the face of cag officers. Top company produces this kind of employees? With such work standard. Sigh. Im ashamed to be associated with this.
I really. Will have wasted these 5 yrs working on a proj i know i wont be proud of at the end. Wats there to be proud of. I dont feel achieved. A typical eg of the outcome doesnt matter, it is the process that counts. And there r jus too many wounds in the process which are not recoverable. They remained as deep scars.
How can pple not help each other if we understand the outcome. Why r pple out to make things difficult for others. Sobz.
Even tho im grateful to have a handful of us who share the same thots, im still perturbed to be in this situation. I am not even doing my job of keeping it on track im jus letting it veer off. Way off. How??? Terrible life leh. I also will blame it upon myself cos there is no such thing as no choice, im not taking charge. Actually i dont know to. Dear coach, this is the time i need u. I need to hear ur advice. I regreted not quitting totally, like jus leave for another division. It was a poor decision. Devastated.
Dear a told me i can change the culture of the new team, it is not an easy feat but it is exactly what i wanted to do right. Ive managed to spread to this current team so now it will be the next. I feel happy. To be influencing others the good way. The beneficial way which will help them in their job. The right. Not the crooked way. The proactive way. Not the passive way. To have Grit, empathy, curiosity and collaborative tendencies. I hope they spread. Together we will build the culture. They encouraged me to spread the right ideals. I have always been doing it happily but i jus had to deal with obstacles along my way. Im really sad to leave my dear teammates but im happy to leave my biggest obstacle. I hope asap. But meanwhile i need to deal with the way this project is handled. Old man has poor pm skills (like at least 3 pple said that alr), why are we stepping into the trap and play along ah. I dun get it. Ridiculous la.
Poor k, he is really victimised. His baby and wife too. So inconsiderate these pple. I hope they have karma. So many ways to run the proj. K is prolly the only one i will sacrifice to help. He is doing his best. And he is so zen and still can joke. No wonder he is my idol. I forgot abt him being my idol. A good eg for certain traits. I swear that i will help u. I will. The others ah want me to help willingly wait long long. This is wat i call true and real respect. I will support u all the way. As long as i dont have irritating obstacles.
Obstacle is really getting worse. Is it lack of slp or stress or dunno wat shit. The understanding is horrendous. Different language different freq. dear coach, How? The cauldron keeps heating up. And im in it.
I learnt new things in calib today. Valid qns. I noted how others answer. Convincingly. Answers that do not prompt how so. Answers that leads to orh. Oh i see. Some v good ans today in fact tho yea not easy to ans still cos yes thats the job, thats fm. Pple are using scale and complexity, n this is nt good enuff. Really pekcek if pple are not answering questions. I shld learn to answer beautifully.
I hate where and who i am now. Not in life. Jus at work. Bracing myself up, i shall let go. I dont need to make things right. I will not take pride in this proj. I will focus on my well being and my relationship with pple. I will heck care this proj. It will be my new mission. Im not interested in this role which ive struggled over the years, which had turn me into a more impatient and unfriendly brat. I had enuff of this obstacle and devil. Thats it. The new role starts now. Even if pple poke me, i will keep quiet. I had better things to do. Since u r not gg to support me, im not playing my role with responsibility. U want u can blame me for every failure later. Go ahead. I show u what is real defiant. Turning my sadness into anger, u caused it.
