End of 2015

Festive season....

The last day in red tee. 

Lucky to have great company for 2015. Thanks to all who have showered me with so much love and joy. Wish i can do more for all too. Lets all welcome 2016 with lotsa happiness and luck for a superb year ahead. 

Motivators, views and thoughts and choices in life

Went to millionaire mind intensive, introduced by a fren who said it was life changing for him. I guess it depends on how u view it. I do not disagree they kinda use herd mentality which seem like "brain washing", but then it also depends on how open minded u are to what you r hearing and receiving. You derive ur own takeaways right? The speakers are great, really, real toastmasters, engaging, i bet they study psychology. Great stories, enthusiastic and has high energy level. I agree with some of the stuff they said, really should work on my energy level, dont need to view everything as sianz. I guess i used to be more positive and motivated, when in sch prolly. How you do anything is how u do everything, to a certain extent i agree. Abit off expectation, as i do not have any "wrong" views or beliefs about money management, in fact, they assured me that im on the right track. N haha should benefit merv more but well he has his reasons on how he manages money now too. There is one thing i prolly would try out, really manage it, to me sounds v ma fan, v painful, do u need to be so organised ? So meticulously manage the accounts? Yea get out of comfort zone. And get out of how u were taught since young. Others' views in relation to money may not be urs. Anyway couldnt last the 3 days bootcamp. I thot i shld train my own discipline but really, nvm, it is a choice, and i stood by my choice. Haha i can justify my own actions, yea yea i dont need to. But i always justify. So merv wasted 500 bucks for the 2 nights at hard rock singapore for the event which he thot we had to last from 9am to 11 pm for the first 2 days and then 8am to 8pm on the last day. No. We were kinda erm far from it, but i've flipped thru the workbook and i think i can miss the other experiences such as attempting to burn our 100 dollar note after chanting "i rule money, money doesnt rule me". The title of the task is also the test of attachment to money. We were supposed to write down our emotions and thots first, after vivid instructions were given, made us visualise what we are gg to do next. Thus i said they r great speakers. I wrote, siao ah....yea i rule money, i dont burn money. I would rather give it away. N i thot what could be the possible actions, sure got pple like me, there would be pple who are psycho-ed, burn burn lor, i can make more. There will also be pple who are not sure, they prolly monkey see monkey do, jus follow the majority, if others burn i will burn. There will be pple who super unwilling and will take damn long to part with their money, like jus indecisive, stand there and waste time, deciding forever. I visualised all these potential choices in my head before i single out the one that it makes more sense. 

Went to the halloween horror night 5 at USS. Second time there, got to accom merv for a first time experience. It is really not worth to go more than once. I mean not that their themes werent good. Infact, they are superb, first class, for the props, the effects, the make ups, all super professional. Not to mention all their professionalism in their job. Really hats off. 55 bucks for queueing. No way. We walked past the first one, blk 50, cos queue time was 100min. The second one says 40min, ok we joined the queue and merv said "ur fav activity" sarcastically of cos. I rolled my eyes. Ya man, i nv have the patience to queue, id rather not play or eat. N then the most imba one 2.5hrs seriously of queue time to the singapore true ghost story on the mrt. 4d leh....coolness with the drizzle and the strong wind as if thru the tunnel. Really u need to scream, to encourage the poor hardworking crew who acted as ghosts. Not like say hello to them. I jus screamed when there r sudden appearances. And seriously im surprised at one who touched me. Her hand was cold, i looked at her and screamed. For a second, i thot, is this the crew or a real ghost. Are they supposed to touch pple? I doubt so. So yea remind me to give up my USS family tix, im really nt gg to queue, tho pple keep telling me the queue wont be as long....really mehhhhh

And yes cag ceo is really good, smart, can connect with pple, say sensible things, and surprised us at how much he knows the ground. Kudos. Totally resonate with the moonshot theory, how well said. Then it is also our learning fest, they got the ceo of banyan tree over for a key note. Well said again, can totally relate with his logic and his thots. He generously shared his experiences and stories. Agree to see problems as opportunities for innovation. Positive thinking and always challenging the situation, sounds exciting and motivating. This is where my interest is. Not tell me cannot do this cannot do that. This reminds of tortoise who says cannot pass around different speakers in a presentation?! Wa lau since when. Damn stupid jus one person's preference, want to impose on everyone else? Rubbish. impose stupid constraints unnecessarily. Win liao. And yea i thot my colleagues ask quite good qns during the qna for his views on game changers in the external environment or industries by coys such as uber and airbnb and also the sustainability of the biz, and of cos impressed by ceo again with his qns, really use the chance to tap pn his views, damn cool, abt the tourism air in sg as compared to other countries since he is so well travelled. Cant rmb the other qn alr. He asked these 2 while i was thinking, if i were to ask, what would i ask, i cant think of any.

Oh yes another good point he mentioned too, the concept of being the best in its own industry or trade, really, every market, every situation, every category has its best piece, best pawn, best soldier. 

One will nv reach its peak. There will always be space to grow, opportunities to look for, nv saturated.

So yea recently, i feel that i become more stupid, or is the brain slower? Dunno why....

I prolly will be more stupid if i hadnt travel this much. Travel is really the best thing in life. It is where u see and learn the most. U think u have the best idea but when u travel, the idea is already so common elsewhere. 

I changed.....

The attached is the proof. While packing, came across all the letters i kept. Whoa i was most mild tempered person leh....what has become of me....boo hoo. Why did i allow the environment to change me. Hate the environment but no pt blaming the environment right and i shldnt. I only have myself to blame for not shielding. A struggle. Time to change back....how to....need to be conscious all the time....why do i let pple or other things affect me so easily. Need to practise zen.

Burnt quite a few calories scrubbing 4 tiles

Really hazy. Psi was above 200. It is giving me headache. I tried to stay indoors, pple were masked along the streets, the smell was really horrible. I think the haze is also making me more lethargic than usual.

Finally booked the tw tix, my bro is really imba, say one month plus, haven even done anything. U know why im a type a person? It is not cos im enjoying leh. I was want to get it off the list...else the list is never ending and u know things kinda snowball as days passed. Watching the fares go up and having no rooms available add to the stress. Jus get it checked man. Everyone has 1001 things to do in the queue. So now left accom. U know reading reviews to me is a chore. Sighz...i have to push it to the wkend. 

Ate yummy home cooked udon for bfast. And we went trivelis and thats where we really jus switch on the aircon, really dont want to risk breathing in the haze. Yucks. We really dont need 4 split units in the house. One aircon is enough. It is so small.....so fast to mop the floor. It is done in a flash.

I scrubbed the glass, magic clean n the sponge helps for sure. The stubborn stains refuse to come out with cloth. Then the tiles, i scrub till i think the sponge is giving way still cant. Covered 4 tiles in the bathroom. Gave up. I concluded that magic clean is nt suitable for tiles. I need pro tile cleaner. Wat on earth are those stains....cement? 

Lunch then come back and unpack 2 of my bags.. Not me. Mil did. She jus wiped everything, categorised them and asked me to pack into the pedestal. I did. Then she was at the other end, removing them from the pedestal! I was like eh, why u keep taking out, then i will nv finish leh and i keep luffing...she also luff with me...gosh hilarious leh. Then she cannot put like that. Orh. I watched, and stoned. She put things in then take out again and arrange them in another way, trying to optimise the space. And she says she loves packing. What great news! How wonderful leh...happy packing!! I will serve u anything u need, so i went getting cloth, screw driver, put things in the kitchen etc. then i say i think i have at least 3 more bags. And she say oh have to categorise again....waaaa.....bring in bring out is fun?! Thanks man. Haha im happy that she enjoys doing it.

Collaborative meetings vs paint-rosy-picture meetings

We had a taste of the former today, not the only time, but the most recent one. A great eg of what team work is. The collaboration attitudes by everyone, chipping in with opinions and giving suggestions, guidance, in a sharing mode. By this, i mean literally everyone, regardless of rank. So yes, naturally comes respect and gratitude, for the time spent in sharing thots n views. Clap x 3. Even with miscomm, with misunderstanding, wrong sentences made, apologies and then jus clarify. Can also sense the benovolence from the highest rank, had also acknowledged the hard work and rigorous thinking had taken place before the session. How kind. Maybe it is the right strategy to send only the lower ranks over, shrugs, dunno, could be one of the reasons and also less hard on us since we had worked so hard. The assistance rendered is much appreciated.

So much difference from the latter. In the past, we all fronted mgmt directly, without fear, seriously what's there to fear? the bosses added on, or corrected, no need to waste time to rehearse. i din know the answer until joined the new div. sigh..why mus shelter? V weird measure and to think that big boss feedback to boss with eh u shld manage ur staff? Dotz....this is the gen gap...where is the freedom of speech? Say anything wrong, nvm, jus clarify like today. Why are there such caution taken to make sure the staff speak the "right" thing? N the boss will jump and say no no no and then quickly cover it all up. Like cant they jus say, no actually it is not right to the staff and all, it should be... Like jus correct explicitly la, why need to secretly and hastily cover up as if u have commited a crime. And pls do not give the vibes of fingerpointing. Wrong wrong, admit to the mistake, dun signal, next time dun say anything.....crap leh, what kind of guidance is this? Like nobody else thinks it is a grave mistake except you, trying so desperately to cover and put down the staff in front of all.

Today, im more willing to support the leaders. And besides everyone of us chip in, spoke and fill in the gaps. Doesnt matter if it is wrongly explained due to misinterpretations or simply wrong info. Well managed really. When u admit ur mistakes, pple are also more receptive and will not blame u. Imagine ur own team mates doing the "shit u shouldnt have said that" to u. What do u learn at the end? Not to speak again next time lor. Stupid culture.

Since sec sch, i alr condemn the graders coming to the school and grading the unit's performance. First we know the date of grading, secondly we know the criteria of grading. So everything that day was acted out. And then the unit gets the gold medal. Anything to be proud of? Yes u acted well. Despicable. So the whole year, the other 51 wks, i dun care how u manage the unit, u r jus assessed on that day. Why mus we do such ridiculous acting? What do u learn at the end. Nothing, except to wayang. Horrible culture which i will nv follow. U want to grade a unit, u grade them unaware and over a few times. Why do we learn to take average empirical values in science labs? There is a reason for it.

Why need to be so in control, to paint this rosy picture, a fully wayang show? What is the explicit goal? A great team in acting? To be perceived that u have a strong team? Note the word perceive. Or u shld be displaying how u have managed a diverse team, putting pple in the right job and delivering every outcome as a team. Does it matter if u have every strong individuals who when put together cant perform? Shouldnt u let pple be, embraces the diverse styles, and the individual may not look like a gem, but when they are put together, they are a wondrous sight. Cant u stop moulding individuals into the gem u wanted to be polished? And especially polished the way u wanted, worse than jus polished at the side he/she wanted to.

A wonderful team and a wonderful experience is like today, i hope there r more of such mtgs. Where there is learning value and most imptly, u feel good coming out of it, all ready to polish the slides even with late discussions. Everyone fought and persevered together.

The art of endurance

Shall master this skill. Jus curse and swear deep in the heart. I would be enlightened when i dun nid to curse and swear silently anymore. Now i can let go pretty quickly, like snap of the finger. C'mon jus ignore, it is jus not worth and detrimental to my own health. Dun nid to gek. jus be stunned like vegetable and hum the un un unbelievable song. Shrugs. I m so gg to master it, like total ignore, not affected at all, then i dun even nid to let it go cos it didnt even get to me ...whoa i hope i can attain this and the super aura shield will reflect all these lousy vibes away. Stay happy, retain my usual self. So many have obtained this skill alr, so can i. Shldnt be difficult. Jus wear a mask. Haha hide a knife inside. give up and pass thru, u know, dun even bother, let alone let it bother u. Jus the thot of it alr let disgust take over the console. Ya all sit down and read newspaper or magazines, do ur own stuff.

How glad to have polling day on fri for election 2015 . A national public holiday

Of cos im refraining from publicly posting views abt politics. Not cos of fear, actually i dont bother to. Thanks to many who had exchanged views. I had my fair share of voicing mine. There is 共鸣 and there is 平衡. Good right? U dont go too extreme and over believe in urself and in ur own world. There is no representative and there is no guarantee to how pple work, the quality and the speed. The expectation and the interpretation. The deliverables and implications. 

Superb dinner hang out and housevisiting, too bad hubert couldnt join us. Willy is really kind, deep from my heart, im really impressed by his kindness, the innocence, the honesty and integrity, well mannered and the ability to survive, not to mention modest and n keep learning. Haha he really shoot me in the heart. 你是德明的leh. Gosh, i was stabbed, reminds me at how lousy my mandarin is, cos i was complaining abt how difficult to use tao bao is. We exchanged many experiences, comapred deals and also the product knowledge. A few days back, i had to translate a political survey to my dad, and thats when i know all the parties chinese name. And ya thanks dad for listening to me patiently, i reslly think my translation sucks. Deproved damn alot. Honwei was humourous as usual, v straightforward too, so farnie, we can really tell when he loves or hates something, so open book too. Ya too becos im accused of being an open book too. His hobby is really imba, greatest asset in his house, the fish tank which has ups and scada. Boy, i was in a shock. Yes the whole thing cost 10k?!?!

Willy's place is v nicely decorated, simply and cosy, what surprises me is 100% warm lighting tho. And 80% of his stuff is frm taobao, super good deal. Now he is monitoring quality and ability to last. He gave all credit to his wifey who has id background, kudos to her really. Both have specific dates to move in so they will be taking leave. We chatted abt happenings in t4 too, and then we think back, the time when we first joined. Wow we know each other for at least 7 yrs, time in ered, time in kk, and now in t4, in each others' house and ya we wonder what will be the state of us all 5 yrs later. True casual pals who know one another well enuff and who accommodate to one another's liking. Natural click. We wish ourselves harmony and happiness, there's more to life than the dusty construction site but it is also where it will bring us memories next time. Jiayou!

The first wkend of september

Read this article about emergency doctors. I have always loathe the medical industry. They didnt manage it well. Things gone wrong and they are at the expense of patients' health and worse, lives. It is unforgivable. This article explains why. Ya, the percentage of these medicinal practitioners beiing burnout is high. Why didnt i empathise with them earlier, didnt realise until i experienced burnout myself. The ordeal of young doctors: overworked, sleep deprived and steeped in a culture that u suck it up.everyone u meet, u think, might be smarter n more capable than u - and u are the only one struggling.

In the past i am ready to do anything for anything, wont even deem it as sacrificing, it is passion and responsibility at work i guess. Then over time, somehow the environment has changed pple's thinking, why do i need to this? We all know the reasons behind this change of attitude. It is the responsibility of the environment creators to preserve the good hearted culture. Relieved to see that there r a group of doctors who r looking into programs to help these doctors. At a workplace, r there such workplace creators who assist the officers? I m doing it, as i know im a victim, so it is within my control to stop this from breeding.

Housewarming at dawson was quite fun, we gathered. Bbq at rainforest too, and a fren in the same industry have the same sentiments of wanting to strangle pple who r consistently inconsistent. How productive, seriously. Roll eyes. So many pple complain abt a certain phenomenon which we all witness, n this spread in the industry, different organisations witnessing the same thing. Gd luck to those who r oblivious to such happening and even better luck if they continue to indulge in their own world, thinking they r superior to anyone else. And simply jus becos they achieve? Urgh, firstly, all roads lead to rome, be flexible and open to others' methods, let them pave their own roads n u may learn this new path created by others. Secondly, where is the guarantee that the past methods work in this era. Really man.....incorrigible. Frens nicely put there r much more things in life, lets all not be intoxicated by such presence. And it is so true. N we get to hear experiences frm other industries. So cool. So many happenings in the parallel universe.tats what makes life fun, when u get to see more especially when u listen to others instead of being a frog in the well. Fun and humorous peeps, haha glad to force myself over despite being so tired and sleepy.

Facts of life or are they choices that one can make for things to happen

I let sadness take over the console, else yes, it will be anger. Disgust was like ... Joy was like watching in awe. Fear is relaxed, nothing to do.

We r going in circles and in order to break out of it, and to go back to the original qn i had to use analogy, i thot if i can get some answers, i can apply it on the real issue and prolly avoid the saga all over again. And this time i had witness, many things are not linked. It is not abt intelligence or capability. Shared perceptions and same sentiments, and yet no ways to solve it. Why? The conversation is not going anywhere, the time invested is meant to solve the problem and try avoid such happenings again.

So 2 fundamental flaws or the root cause for de synced prolly. 

Life will be difficult unless we r not human and at least not until it is over.

No this will happen again.

Holding on to these 2 beliefs are not justifying for the time invested.

Why isnt the qn answered directly? Then when i let any wronged accusations pass, i will be provoked to why did it happen. I can let things pass, but dont come and qn why was it not defended. It is an infinite loop when pple ans and u dun like it then want to accuse pple cannot ans or defend. 

Defending feedback, not right. Agreed. Exactly, then later come and blame others for something u r a culprit of. Wat on earth. Shakes head. The train of thots are not jus derailed, the whole rail was moving until dunno where, lost in space. Not focus, digress until sibei jialat, so ya conversation doesnt lead to any improvement in future dealings. Keep thinking one is right is not gg to help either, keep insisting one's style is right and proven effective is not helping. Cos that was the wrong focus. When u converse with someone, u address the other's concern and help the other to help u for a better future. No where near. Even starting to perceive and doubt that there isnt active listening, jus waiting for the voice to end, so that the points can be made or conveyed. While the other voice is on, the mind is cooking the next sentence when it is time to speak, obviously not right. This is a perception and assumption, but it could be the cause if this is really what is happening. And pple dont say with conviction that one's assumptions are right. U know it is an assumption, ask if it is right, u do not judge whether u r right. When pple dont correct, it is becos they dont bother to, doesnt mean consent, pple jus let it pass, doesnt mean u r right with ur assumptions. If one takes joy in triumph, there is questionable intent as not moving towards a win-win at all.

Anyhow, the contrast makes some real friends more valuable. They feedback and try to balance the situation, with certain assumptions which may be right or wrong, but the intent is to calm the nerves. They support with objectivity, they listen and they provide suggestions and advices which r worth listening or learning, all up to the learner. Mentors in life are chosen by oneself, not to tell others to learn from them. Friends support thru assistance in one's development, even tho not always in agreement. The intent is always genuine, good, and direct, not beat ard the bush and trying to confuse. Im fortunate to have at least 5 at work.  They help. Outside work, kids are superb mentors for how they handle certain things, of cos the wise old ones and those who kindly shared experiences. Pple do not say facts of life, what? Resigning to ur fate? There r many ways, many roads, many choices. Wat kind of advice?! Listening, but not picking up. My choice. Dun tell me wat to do, pple can assess for themselves, dun judge pple, especially their ability to comprehend. Those are judgements and assumptions, u do not know their train of thots, becos u dun communicate or converse. The so called conversations are one way and one sided and seriously pple jus let it pass. Dun think u r giving advices which are useful to others. Useful or not, judged by the audience. See, this is letting anger take over, thats it. I had controlled it alr, n i do not need to let anyone know and still take in lectures at how well pple are doing. Thanks to all emotions controlling the consoles. Inside out is really a good concept, tho of cos the storyboard has some minor loopholes.

Not worth to be affected at all, also alr do not find telling the truth helps. This is bad development for myself, thus i choose to leave. Jus horrible, i will not train myself into someone i hate. Will not allow, and frens respect that and help me with achieving it. Thats the difference with what is called a fren, despite styles are different. Seriously, why would a person jump at the chance to blame? Really, never read email cos it is blue, what does it prove? Read on the ipad but not sync with laptop then assume nv read? Fine lor, i dun bother explaining anymore. I can let it pass, if im not provoked and better dont raise it again as any supporting evidence for a position or statement. More than 2 pple shared same sentiments. Gd, i feel im not the only odd one to feel this way, feel supported. But it is a trivial eg, the person may not have meant it, but had let pple perceived it this way. This fundamental intent i would have given the benefit of doubt for someone with a gd heart. Otherwise, sorry, not someone in my circle of frens, and im totally fine if im not in yours too. I will prolly stay for someone but i will not leave cos of another, not worth it, jus cos of one person. I have many others to learn from actually, those who are worth learning frm, my choice. Tryin not to let resentment build up. Do not be provoked. It is within my control to build and be in a happy workplace and feel fulfilled with everyone else on the same thing, achieved together, those solo ones can fly alone, their choice too. Ganbatte to everyone who r real team players. Will not allow any one to destroy it. Have wasted so much tears. Damn.

Farewell Ian

Everyone was happy. Tho i prefer to use is happy. Everyone has a different side. Wow-ed me actually. What great and kind and selfless pple. Thanks for the memories. I shldnt be so anti social when jio-ed for meals, and only turn up for special occasion, and in this unfortunately farewell party. 

Ian surprised us with attitude change, and it is for the better, it could be his original self and that dark period in his life, he had tried to pull thru, well it affected the pple ard him too. Luckily i didnt take it too hard on him, now that all has passed, i understood why. Why dont pple jus explain? I mean others would be more accommodating towards the actions u took, the actions include the bo chup attitude. Anyway i hope i learn to be more forgiving even if i dun understand the reasons why pple act in a certain way. I also learn the way these great pple respond. They dont care abt what others think, they have their own life, they dont bother explaining, they jus lead their own. 

Thanks for the initation, the transport, the jokes, the sharing of experiences, giving me the pincers, making the cabbage with floss, scooping difficult to manage thick beehoon from the pot, and another day bbq-ing for the rest, offering to let me carry their kids tho i didnt ask to. Uber cute, i missed taking pic with andrew's boy, so pretty. But manage to catch ian's boy, always ask him to send him in for contests, so duper cute, i had to resist pinching his cheeks for fear that my fingers arent clean enuff, tho babies wont have pimples right. They r all well behaved and so curious, they stared at the bbq pit with charcoal and look at how ian's peered into my phone cam, and he finally smiled at a song ian sang. Amazing bond and secret code betw the dad and kid. And he keeps sheltering him frm the sun, so sweet. Oh yea, andrew was like giving his kid drips of beer! And he will say more beer. Angelic.

I will miss ian, he has deep thots, he has gd current affairs knowledge, and he analyses, i guess he reads alot. It is beyond what meets the eye. Thanks ian for the hard work he has help us all with for t4, hope he has a better life in adelaide and i hope that i can visit him there with merv soon since i have nt been to aust.=)

Travel and communicating with others make one modest

How true. Occupying jus like a tiny speck on earth, and with thots that others have alr lived as habits, the directions given by some, the valuable advices voluntarily shared, im thankful for the opportunity and for their time. They bring hope and happiness, the willingness to impart, the generosity, and the silence, yes silence in the mind as well, makes me guilty. Why arent i like them. They have been thru much more and it jus makes me seem petty and kicking up a fuss which are totally unnecessary. Im happy and feel blessed for a carefree life and also in an environment when i get to learn. When u live another person's life, u get to see thru a different pair of lens, it is a priceless experience.

It is a choice for one to pick the environment that benefits u, not one that harms and changes u into someone u hate. Imagine doomsday when u start hating urself and what u do every day. Only get to live once! There is so much more to any little setback. Game over? It is a new beginning.

Celebrated first birthdays after marriage. Wish i have more energy and mood to blog after ive gotten the new house set up with a great study desk and view to do so.

Wilderness allows one to find oneself and also to lose oneself

Watch wild, the film. Creates lots of thots within my mind. No action. I visualise myself doing it. No i doubt i have the guts and perseverence now. Will i be able to make it till the end. Fear gripped me, at the thot of me not making it. Fear gripped me, at the thot of myself nt having the chance to do it.

I have visualised myself getting lost in a new city. In the wild. Where nobody else is around. Nobody to rely on. And the fear of the unknown or danger you are abt to face. Uncertainty. And yet there is fun. The exciting opportunity to look out for what's ahead. looking forward to whats to go and what i will overcome. What i will encounter and what will be chronicled. In the wilderness. Taking in nature. How much i would have missed out if i dun get on this trip. I wouldnt have realised there are so many hidden corners and gems on earth. Iceland. Amazing corner. Glad and relieved and grateful that mervyn was with me. What would i do and how would i survive if i was alone. Treking up the slope to the top of the walking falls. Watching my steps not to fall on the slippery ice on the black sand beach and getting stuck in the snow with nobody else around and with no one who will be passing this way any sooner. Fjords and volcanic rocks. They are so huge, like the sky and i am jus a tiny speck among them. It would be a great experience tho. Target to trek alone. Everyone shld do it at least once in a lifetime.

The closest i got was a single day trip to and fro on foot to the outskirts of newcastle upon tyne and yes it leaves me such deep impression. I jus walked on and on, aimlessly, the grassland is so huge and i was all alone on the dirtpath in the middle of big grassland. I was jus walking towards the horizon. That is true peace. Inner peace and external peace. The world is such a wonderful place to be in. Such tranquility. A still moment where everything is within ur reach, within ur control and u are free to do whatever u want, with no constraints.

Gifts of life

Thanks to all who had given me the gifts of life.

The many in my life, some who had left deep impressions, some who may not have, but all have contributed to who i am today. The teachings, the advices, the chats, the sharing, the effort and time spent, the offers, the provisions, the infinite number of things, thanks.

Everyone should say thank you to those you want to and those who deserves to be thanked. Do it asap, as many times as possible, dont wait, till too late.

Reminiscing is sometimes scary. Have i reciprocated enough? I always try to balance as much. Action and reaction forces to be equal. Things shld be made as fair as possible. Especially so when things happen due to certain reasons and the responses. Exposure is essential, things would have been worse without experiences. Without remembering the experiences. The bustling life has made me forgotten so much of the roads where i have trodded on. Now that aware, something shld be done to correct this. Ganbatte!

Struggles and choices and decisions

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/struggles-of-free-spirit-woman/993046/

My struggles indeed. Im relieved that there r pple of my kind in the world. How many percent r they on earth.

Sometimes i feel that prolly i try to care less and seek less to be understood, then i will be less pekcek in repeating what i mean and trying to convey a message that nv seem to get across to others. Shrugs. N when they dont get it, i will be ji dong which is translated to be excitement or agitation. They have positive and negative connotation respectively. But i chose to use ji dong cos it is more neutral as compared to the english version. Or maybe different interpretationz. Ji dong when i need to repeat more than once ( that means the 3rd third time which seems to be my average tolerance lvl, i think quite low for some ); ji dong when the person doesnt get it. These r prolly the 2 main causes. It is so difficult to communicate to some. How come there r some who gets it? It is like i haven even finish then they know wat i mean and what im gg to say. And they simply say im so predictable and so open book. And indeed i am. Struggles of a straight forward person as well. We voice all that is in our head. Recently, i really there r many differing interpretations of the same words. And since body language speaks more than words, the same body gestures bring different interpretation from the audience as well.

And thanks to dear frenz who bluntly, openly and candidly pointed out to me new discoveries. " wa wa she is really like doing work " i paused awhile and think what is it that is like working? But let me continue first. And yea i brought up the topic again so it is really the jidong ness. And also i ve time lapse in my mind, my fren repeated what i said 5 mins ago. To me it seems like 5min has passed, but the others were like 5 min? It has only been 30sec. how come lag so long? Didnt i jus say it..did u catch that jus now? Was it intentional? Did i speak too fast? It was really amazing to me. And yes not that i am saying im amazing. Never! See? Misinterpretation. I was really amazed, fearful in fact of such a great gap of concept of time or concept of happenings ard us. Such gaps, such misconceptions cause miscommunication. What makes the person infer this way? That im amazing? No. Never. I was worried. That nobody understood and misinterpreted. So ya question is why do i care, why do i fear, why does it matter. I hate to be maligned. And this is really the answer such that the matter was amplified within my head. But anyway back to the real topic of now i discover why i always rush thru things. To me, it seems like aeons. Im easily bored and always feel that im wasting time. Seriously ya where am i rushing to. The truth is to the grave literally and yea i dont fear death.

I was recently narrating abt my encounter in amsterdam when i was 22 yrs old. How time flies. Seriously. Urgh...so old. So then i was relieved that i didnt try the shrooms with the guys who got wasted and totally look like ghost when we went to their hostel room in the morning. We left them there and went exploring to the holland countryside on our own. Totally no reactions. What are seeing in their head? Magical unicorns flying into the air? Tat was the scene frm the movie whitecastle. And obviously they cant rmb a thing. Suppose to have some illusions that make them feel high. Hilarious indeed.

So i have a timelapse illusion. How do i eliminate this. Is this a disorder? I really need to do things along the way, cannot make any wasted trip, cannot make pple wait, cannot do things slowly and cannot jus meditate. I cant sit still. I was queueing last wkend and witnessed this auntie talking to another then then uncle keep saying the orders are here. Then auntie say wa so fast. Uncle said must be fast one, in sg how can do things slowly. Ah another one that mirrored myself. I mean no right or wrong, really jus different styles and beliefs and behaviours, habits, characters and personalities. Either grp of pple cant stand each other. I know my mum also faces this prob when her colleagues are slow, jamming up the whole production line. As a 3rd party, i will really give the advise to slow down, or jus do double work. But yea i know if i were in her shoes, i wont be able to tolerate the slowness as well, cos cant we all jus do faster and everyone gets to knock off early. But overtime in sch, projs and collaborations have taught me to find other things to do, so yea i cant sit there and do nothing. Yes i have stopped practising stoning for hours to clear my mind. Prolly thats why. These kind of pple, like myself, need to be placed in the right positions to tap on the strengths so that less agony is experienced by themselves and those ard them.

Another contrasting grp of pple involves those who lives with everything makes sense and happens for a reason, there are always logic and supporting reasons for smth that happens. There is no such thing as dunno. Dunno then find out.  It is either this or that depends on context and there shld be clarity for the next move. They will clear obstacles to unstuck matters so that things get completed. Do i need to describe more?The other grp is entirely opposite. Really these 2 grps also cant stand each other. How to live harmoniously? Minimise conversations or getting into debates? There is always no ans. Or grey ans then next come agitation. Contradiction is illogical, unless intentional then it shld be communicated. Yes we do not agree with "if cant convince, confuse" tho it is tactic of the other grp. Trying to smoke thru.

Being problem solver, constantly seeking for resolutions. Seeking for better ways to overcome these. Need a change of environment. The change shld enable one for further development not to hinder or to develop in the opposite direction, enhancing the wrong traits. The failure of enabling oneself. Create ur own path, do not let others influence u the negative way. It is sad to have pple learning the wrong stuff, the childlike instincts are gone, instead got polluted by these horrible society who mould those who thrive to survive. Define childlike instincts and put them to good use. Everyone shld really plan for their paths. And also be enablers to others, if not stay out of their paths. Thats the least u can do.

Work aside, Im saddened by what is happening at home. Why do we need to condone such actions and put up with their presence. What is home and what is family. Honestly i have given up, the fighting spirit is gone. Since i can only control my actions, i shall jus float by, keep repeating to myself that it doesnt matter, dun let it affect u, and whatever happens, u have chosen to give up and chosen to let go. Goodbye to good old days. Sometimes it is the easiest and best solution to not deal with it head on, jus escape. My heart is dead.

I will try to do the same for work. I will let go the responsibility and to take in whatever is ard like a free spirited person, trying to solve everything and make the world better. The fighting flame is gone and i shall withdraw frm getting so immerse. No more believing that it is within my control. Like home, it is beyond my control. Pple are free to do whatever they like, they will receive no comments from me. I shall choose this path and allow the environment to change, allow myself to be trained for this. I had been resisting and making sure no losing of myself in the process. How i loathe the uniformed grp for hierarchical structure tho i appreciate the discipline. While the saying goes a leopard cant change its spots, if i cant, i will search for a place where i can achieve this. Why do pple create such lose-lose situations when the power figure say smth and all others jus follow without uttering a word even tho there is disagreement? Even when they can turn the thing ard and change the game, they kept quiet cos jus let the boss handle. They chose to let go of building a better outcome, they din fight for things to happen. There r many things that the power figure missed out too cos nobody stepped up to lend a hand. This is such a bad culture, such a bad societal norm. Pple jus accept and adapt. Wth. What has everyone become? I need will and determination and perseverence. Goodbye, gdbye to goodness, to old days, to love and care, to help, to happiness, to joy.

Discoveries of self and others at work

Slotting in an entry....wkend dun even haf time to finish bloggin the iceland trip.

Was thinking what shld the title of this entry be. Then decided that i shall jus go with the thots, i will get back to the title later.

I know i really need to train my writing skills more. Sometimes i wonder if it is broken english....what was i writing, what so i mean, what was my point? Mental blocks while forming sentences seem more often than usual. Not fluent, not fast. My friend commented on the english lang of an email. I re-read it, indeed. Almost flawless. Especially impressive if it is written once without vetting. Power.

So the wk when i got back from honeymoon, fell sick, had 2 day mc and the long wkend to recover. The bug was really strong, made me feel better abit then threw me back into the quick sand, struggling to stay alive. The aches were all over, whole body felt weak, the throat and nose made me more tired. But i was really zen. Like controlled by the bug, i move with care, as if i have a bowl on top of my head. Good actually, cos i wasnt rushing and in a flustered mode. U know usually my flustered mode starts when my patience wears thin, then will rush into closing the issue. Since you dont get it, can we jus stop and end here? Of cos it is a bit unfair cos the person i was conversing with had not finished his piece. But when i am zen, i am jus doing onr ear in one ear out. I jus had to point out when something goes wrong. Sometimes i wonder why pple can accept and then later complain behind, did they only realise it later? Or they can really let it go and let the person "win" at that pt in time. When it is obviously not the right way to do it. The considerations were not raised cos they jus want to end the mtg, it is smth they can let go. But i cant. How torturous.

Another one is pple dont do their part after it was discussed and work is distributed. T4. What did the world do during the one month? But they did provide good info, they can be historians, all the happenings they are aware, jus lacking one coordinator, nobody stepped up and all was held in a deadlock cos nobody knows what to do next. Nobody raised and all kept quiet. Then finally jus say, "well i am only one person, there is so much i can do" and "ok i am no good thats why dunno how to do". Full stop. What do u expect to say? So we continue to keep quiet? When everyone is waiting for IT and nobody cares that their own team is the show stopper? At least try to priortise right and raise proactively. Not like sit there and wait for things to happen. So obviously kenna lecturing la. Straight to the pt, no time to waste on scolding, i think humiliated ba cos so straightforward and in front of everyone. Detail next action and action in charge, action in charge better update if it has been done. Cannot do or dunno how to do, u better raise. I am not scolding for not doing (tho subtlely), i am scolding for keeping quiet. Damn pissed. So i volunteer stupidly lor, who dunno i cover but u must let me know. Apparently, they manage to close some of issues these 2 days. Good progress and thank them publicly also lor. That is why there is a difference in dunno how to do vs nv bother to do. Anyway, due to the difference since fri, i am appreciative that they listened instead of one ear in one ear out. As long as it is learnt and improved for future, it is enough. Being sceptical as usual, let's see how long this last.

Mpas. Also lack of coordination and proper holistic think through, what happened, why and whats next then for what. After doing, where are the results documented? Proof of how far is the jump, sceptical me cannot be convinced by subjective phrases like quite far or quite ok.  Can we quantify? And tabulate then need to analyse the data. Strong team yet a weak one, or maybe a scattered one, the resources not tapped upon fully. Not new. This is another round, but obviously better, less scattered than the first. As usual, ask for volunteer nobody volunteer one. I applaud how the instructors trained our squad to be so proactive, whatever shit work, someone will jus volunteer. And siao onz pple jus volunteer everytime to score points. Smart pple take turns to volunteer. What good culture as compared to all keep quiet....stay low profile, nobody find out even better. So nvm i volunteer myself and arrow someone else with me. Next task how, no volunteer again. Still lacking...if only i dun nid to step in, if only someone could step up. I really need to find a way to auto pilot this. Having said all these, the team is strong, they know wat was done and brain pool eliminates confusion, it all jus unravels at the table. It is beauty. Beauty of team work. All i did was asking, facilitating, i know the least among all. So after i ask if u can do what i jus did. The ans is learning, nt easy but it is sufficient. Well answered.

Too much load still. Damn...the wave of events happening is non trivial, 11 hours at desk without much rest still cannot complete..too many coming in. And some are created by people, it is not even my problem, why am i contacted? Then i can hear that they will try to thank me sincerely at the end of the phone call, and i will feel bad for being so flustered explaining. Cos want to explain fast ma...why u dont understand. Do i have low tolerance for pple who are not smart thinkers? I think i appear so, cos of being too outcome focus. But come to think of it, i am not really coz im more appalled by pple who pay lip service and sit there wait for things to happen, no effort to try to contribute. If u try, u wont be blamed. Like i tried to do this this but it is not working. U know, show some effort of contributing. Shrugs. What is my own job match? Honestly...pple who told me that it is not a job match couldnt tell me what kind of work shld i be doing. I even tried imagining training the horse in iceland. No way. If i role play the different occupation in the mind, which would be more driven to wake up every morning for?

Day 3 - South of Iceland

9am - picked up from hotel to the first stop at Seljalandsfoss. very slippery to walk all the way behind the waterfall, only went up abit as there isnt much time left for us to walk carefully around it. a pity. but jus standing in front of it watching the water tumbles down into the plunge pool provides energy.

1pm - next stop to the Skogafoss. I like this more, somehow. We get to climb up all the way to the top for this one.

230pm - and then to the black sand beach. tough place to overcome. the wind is simply too strong, sweeping sand all over us. and certain waves are super painful, it is like throwing a pail of sand forcefully at us. we had to shield our face and for the camera, we had to eat some sand grains. can imagine how much sand we bring back to the hotel. we hid behind the rock formation for awhile. and oh, the waves are really strong, in history it had claimed lives here before. you wouldnt know when the next wave is stronger such that it sweeps alot further up the beach. there was a guy who went quite far out. people were shouting at him to come back up. dont think he can hear. but he backstepped eventually when the waves were like almost swallowing him up...so dangerous. helpless. if it happens, it will be too late.

6pm - and finally to the famous Jokulsarlon glacier lagoon. really wow. super pretty. not enough time tho. sad, wish that we can stop here longer. then the guide told us that we will be back tomorrow. so yayyy.

then we checked into the log house for the night, and the dinner was really like fine dining, cos we had to mingle for a long time before the food is served. we ordered lamb and cod. yea was exhausted at the end of the meal. interesting stories from the group mates tho.

Day 1 n 2: Reykjavik - south of iceland

Like those flashback movie, I will conclude the Iceland trip first. Mainly 2 points. First, I learn that mother nature can be ironically amazing and merciless, wows us with the incredible formations which prolly contribute to making studying Geography interesting for me in sec sch and more wows with the display of the aurora borealis in the starry night; yet she can, at free will, give rain for 5 min and then sunshine for another 5, before dropping hailstones on earth, causing people to run for shelter, then it changes to snow for the next entire hour. She can create sudden gust of wind and they come at full speed such that the ski resort has to close and evacuate all skiers back down. In the wind, the sand was hurled at all, it is as if we had gone through punishment. ouch.. so we are lucky to have experienced all these, and they do not appear in the first 5 days, maybe a little of it, of the ever changing weather and we learn that there is no need to plan to go on a trip in good weather as the plan will never be materialized. so luckily we stayed long enough to get a taste of what the Icelandic people experience there. we were told that we missed the worst storm in Iceland in a decade or so as the day before we landed, all flights were cancelled and everybody had to stay indoors. But well we manage to catch the strongest geo magnetic storm in a decade on 17 Mar so as to see the northern lights in the form of an angel, really super wow.

that was a long first point. the second point, Icelandic people are resilient people and they are always prepared. the above is explanatory I hope. their attitude in life is different, they accept, well they had to, and they adapt. feel ashamed comparing them to myself, too sheltered, that's why we have the luxury to complain. weather is not the only thing they do not complain about, have seen some people interactions, or maybe they complain behind their backs haha I dunno, but I thought they handle the situations well. the style of coping what appears in life is applicable, and of course they are very friendly and hospitable, and very keen to learn, judging from the questions they ask the foreigners. very smart people I thought, and they are fluent bilinguals too. anyway I salute their attitude in life n I wish to learn from it. the beauty of travelling really, grateful to have the chance for the exposure, learn more things than anywhere else if you are pursuer and with the willingness to integrate with them.

11 Mar , 3-4pm - we arrived at the capital of Iceland finally, after the 24-hour flight including transiting time at Helsinki and Stockholm respectively. I cant recall how did we manage to kill time already. breathed in the first breath of fresh Icelandic air the moment we got off the flight, and we got picked up by a cab driver to the fosshotel baron. nice room with its own stove for cooking. so we jus stroll abit in town and went to the supermarket to see what they sell.

12 Mar 9pm - picked up at hotel by reykjavik excursion. drove a lot. the usual package tour with lots of on-the-road hours. but then prolly no choice cos the places are really far apart. it is like 4 stops of max of 1 hour each but the duration of the whole day trip is from 9 - 6pm.

11am - reached the geothermal heated greenhouse where they grow tomatoes and with bees to help in pollination plus producing honey.

12pm - reached the Geysir Spouting spring. walked around the icy area and waiting patiently for the geyser to spout water from the ground every 7min. just before the water gushes upwards into the air, the water in the pool form a super big bubble , all ready to spurt upwards. there are many holes there, but leave one active. for some of the other smaller ones, can still see steam from the geothermal water pots.

2pm - the famous Gulfoss, Golden Waterfall. Brrr...so difficult to even take out the gloves to take the pic using the camera. my beanie got blown away!! the snow was really thick, and while I was thinking which path to take to retrieve it, a kind man offered to help. aiyo the wind is so zek ar, it blows the beanie away as he was bending over to get it such that he had to chase after it. feel so apologetic but he joked that no trouble on this side, but I wouldn't try to get it if the wind blows the other way and he pointed towards the other side where the waterfall is. hahaha..

4pm - Þingvellir (it doesn't start with a P, it's Icelandic character, translated to Th)  National Park.

we suspect it is nicer in the summer, and I googled, proven so. anyhow, I guess like japan, the landscape brings different beauty. for some of the mountains in Iceland, we were grateful for the snow which enhances and bring brightness in contrast to the black basaltic rocks and prolly some green from the moss or other plants.

then finally back to the hotel where we went marketing and made our own dinner.