Last day of a 5.5-yr long portfolio

Congrats to myself!!  Finally!! I think im abit insensitive in being too happy. Shucks. 

But well even james was amused by how happy i am. I really think i have been happier than before. I have nt fallen sick since cny. Last yr was so frequent!! I have fewer email backlogs and im happier to face challenges. An article says singapore has more above average problem solvers, so if it is so common here, it is an expected skill. So yes i look forward to solving problems. Instead of shunning them, like urgh why mus i be the one to solve it. Urgh why got so many problems. So im embracing them now and dealing with them enthusiastically. Shld learn frm natalie also. She is so cheery. And yes she has v good skills that i can learn from and hopefully we can complement each other. 

Ilean says last day still saga leh. The fundamentals scare me. The fact of fault finding. The fact of prata-ing. The fact of forgetting, not the exact details, but the values and prinicples that forms the reasons which guided the decision. It ended late. My patience wears thin when im not allowed to jus end there. Everyone agrees avoiding is the best option when sadness turns to anger turns to hatred and which results in attitude. Yes lack of control, but i want to get out of this, let time dilutes it. Ilean says it in a calmer way. Which is good, which i will learn. I also salute serene for handling such ___ boss and amazingly wide portfolio. She is a good person and worker, really. Pple shldnt take her for granted.

So isa and ilean were affected by my "exit", they call it. They told me explicitly since i dont sense and get it. Our logic couldnt reconcile. They r v nice, really. Im quite speechless. And as usual, i cant reciprocate in their lvl. 1 jul, We went to eat mookata at beach road then to bugis starbucks where we talk for like 2.5 hrs? Whoa so long right. Really wish that they become strong and zai. And dont ever be corrupted by whatever disgusting societal culture. Know what is right and protect ur true self. Talk to pple more to gain insights, eliminate malicious gossips and fight for urself and ur team next time. Im already learning frm them and will continue to be. Thanks for teaching me so many things tat were in my blindspots. They r really superb pple. Keep the good traits, learn more good behaviours and ditch the bad ones. Ganbarimasu!

Therapeutic moments

What is therapeutic?

Watching the paint diffuses in the water.

Watching otters speed through in the water.

Watching clouds move across the blue sky.

Watching the waves smashing onto the beach.

Watching the vast world from a high point.

They r all associated with nature and peace. As i get older, i enjoy moments of doing nothing. But still ocassionally. Like u cant be doing 24/7 right. It will be so boring. So when u finally pause and watch, u will feel that it is luxury and u are grateful for this present moment.

Most of the time, u will be grabbing opportunities such as training for marksmanship instead of rotting in the bunk for fear of risks. -____-||| n dun ask why the mouth can go so long. Wrong focus. Always.

I was a july baby

Not that i am not a cancerian anymore, i am a jul adult now. Jul auntie. Urgh.

Happy bday to me! Tho im almost a day earlier from the exact hr i was brought to earth. I was a night baby but im a lark adult, far from the owl.

I admired the moving clouds, the pics werent specifically taken on the exact day. They were jus in the draft, so i might as well jus post them. Anyway, when im connecting with only myself, not to family n frens and work, im v much enjoying the connection with nature too. Arent we lucky? right from within the home, i can jus watch the moving clouds in the vast and immensely huge sky. N us humans as tiny specks of dust in each of our pigeon holes doing different activities, like mind chatter. So busy. So bustling with life, with movements, with noise.

I watched this show last night. Dangerous beauty. A true story apparently. Eloquence means promiscuity in the mind, and then promiscuity in the body. What a scary thot. I admire the strength and power from the intellectual and with bonus, beauty. N the strength from the courage to stand up for what is right, despite being the only one standing. It was a ridiculous situation, maligning the victim and death sentencing her becos of witchcraft? It is not a fact, they are jus merely beliefs by some, not all. How is one gg to get out of such a situation? N it is ridiculous that everyone stayed silence, even for those who dont believe it, they didnt utter a word. They were submissive and let things happen on their own accord. Nobody made any move except for one, and he had no other supporters till the v last moment. What if and how many of such cases, that the last moment is the same as other previous moments. Why are pple like that? Why dont they dare to stand up against it. The freedom, the rights, the mind and the contraints, which won the tussle?

I read this article on letting go. I think pple may be applying the guidelines inappropriately. It is scary. The world. The world is scary. Oh was this the thot of the te****ist? Do i have to intentionally encrypt the word? Shrugs. I couldnt comprehend their belief and want and sacrifice made jus to destroy the corrupted world by killing innocents. Their minds are overpowering them and they are influenced or brainwashed? They think we commoners are the ones being brainwashed. They r standing up against something which to pple in the right frame of mind, is wrong. Jus wrong to take lives, to cleanse? Urgh, hell no. I know many frens who need to know 6 and 7. I like 8 and 9.

1. The secret to getting ahead is to focus all of your energy not on fixing and fighting the old, but on building and growing something new.
2. In most cases, you can’t calm the storm – it’s not worth trying.  What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will pass.
3. You can always control the way you respond to what happens, and in your response is your power.
4. Oftentimes letting go is simply changing the labels you place on a situation – it’s looking at the same situation with fresh eyes and an open mind.
5. There is absolutely nothing about your present circumstances that prevents you from making progress, one tiny step at a time.
6. The day you “understood” everything, was the day you stopped trying to figure everything out.  The day you find peace and freedom again will be the day you let everything go.
7. You must let go of certainty.  And you must remember that the opposite of certainty is not uncertainty, it’s openness, curiosity and a willingness to embrace life as it is, rather than resisting it.  The ultimate challenge is to accept yourself exactly as you are, and accept life just as it is, but never stop trying to learn and grow to the best of your abilities.
8. Underneath it all, the hardest part is not really letting go, but rather learning to start over.
9. Stepping onto a brand new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation that no longer fits, or no longer exists.

Oh, did i mention that i wonder if my journalling is affecting the way i write? In emails. The words are probably very punctuated. I type what was in my mind, like chatting with the person. Not a properly formed sentence cos im not writing a paper. Another good chap left caas cos of the want to stop being a paper engineer. What other skills did you learn over the 2-3 yrs, except for writing a good paper? I dont deny that it is important to be able to write a paper, articulating all the plan and conveying all the messages effectively and efficiently. But there is more to working life than this. Im like writing a speech? 

As my colleague puts it, stream of consciousness, i have investigated and reflected, so i thank and appreciate him for pointing out. I probably didnt take email as official and formal as him.

While it is free to pen one's thots and feelings, unrestrictedly, it is probably important that we write legible language which we can be understood. Singlish isnt doing us good cos of improper sentence structure, both in english and mandarin. 我不知从几时起就不能写出一篇让人叹为观止的文章了。在写的过程，时不时停了好几次，才能好不容易找到词句接下去。别说写短篇，就连讲出一口流利的话语都有困难，还亏我以前念的是高级华文，现在的程度就连一个中学生都不如吧。真是遗憾。these 2 languages are no doubt most practical and useful, we are really fortunate forced to study these from young. It is an irony, since we were forced to. Who will determine whether it is right or wrong to force what? Is it really for the good of the learner. Shrugs, prolly yes for some, and some others took it out of context again. These guidelines really cant apply to all. They mus be assessed and analysed. And without the power of the intellect, it is impossible to do so, thus there r some who are the underprivileged. Urgh. I guess i can accept the unfairness, but not without doing anything. I think actions shld still be done to march towards equality. Otherwise, it is jus too unfair and it is scary to jsut accept things like tat without doing anything.im not sure if im too idealistic, but the intent and heart should be right from the start. The ability and strength is of secondary order. The resilience and skills to break obstacles right ahead is what i will train and equip myself with.

Consolation to myself on my bday:- wisdom and experience and knowledge comes with age.

Lotje - My beautiful broken brain

A very nice film on netflix. It reminds us of what we have always taken for granted. How our brains allow us to live. She was once known to be the speed queen of multi tasking. One day in the hotel room, she lost the ability to read, write and think coherently. And with the vision slightly impaired with distortions and colours.  She speaks very well and imagine how strong her linguistic capabilities are before the unfortunate event. Actually, no, it isnt an unfortunate one, she takes it very positively despite fears. Her choice words and her articulation of the words, her thots are engaging and inspiring. I like her voice and of cos her british accent. Like jojo struys, her words are very well articulated. I enjoy watching them tell stories. Some quotes or observations that i really love below. 

1. I only focus on things that matters. 

2. I do recordings so that i dont forget them. 

3. It is about having to rethink your life halfway through. But you dont have to have a brain haemorrhage. 

4. When you are finally not defined by your limitations, you are now defined by your endless possibilities. 

5.  Quiet. Peace. The mind needs quiet to function. 

6. Everyone loves a story. Everyone loves stories. 

7. I cant write, or be clever or be normal. 

Articulating inner thots - practising

It is quite painful for my mil to get me to eat fruits. Im sorry, but actually can jus give up on me eating fruits. But thanks for the kind intent and heartwarming efforts. Mix some rock melon with ice cream is one method. So smart right. And she has to remind me to eat x number of cut fruits. Cannot jus eat one or two. And thanks to merv who likes to bao dou me " she only eats 2!". Real thanks. She will wonder why so xin ku esp if the fruits are sweet. Their family has the habit of eating fruits but we dont leh. Even longi starts to eat more only when sudi eats i suppose.

Really love to jus sip the tea alone. Solitude. Makes my mind think with clarity. Makes me less stressed and makes me feel that the time has stopped. A luxury. A calm encounter. Taking off a moment to "stone". Stone is really not a proper word, i jus use it loosely to jus sit there like a stone or a rock, not moving, jus staring out into blank space. Everywhere else continues moving except me stoning there, unmoving. It is like "shag", i mean it doesnt really mean fatigue or exhausted, seriously. 

A quote to ponder, and yes i agree. 

When u handle urself, use ur head. When u handle others, use ur heart. 

Im not too F to achieve this. I think i use my head 70-80% of the time. Oblivious to others' feelings prolly. A failure right. But well sometimes on purpose, cos i either think the person deserves it or i want to get back at the person, or the person shld get used to this side of me and do nt expect much more cos he or she is likely to take kindness for granted. It is jus self defence mechanism at work. Pple react to the surrounding, and respond to treatments accordingly.

I spoke abt hating to rise, rise up the corporate ladder. But im willing to give it another try, if it means another to climb up the ladder. Now what is it in the former that i hate. It isnt easy to articulate. It is all in the mind, a feeling, an impression instilled in me. But to improve my comms skill, i thot shld try harder in articulating what is within me. 

What i hate

1. Being moulded. Being told to do a certain set of actions which i alr loathe in the first place. If i need to do this to climb up, im so not climbing. Now what r these set of actions. Losing the main focus of why u work. The main focus has changed to pleasing the boss? Dropping everything else jus to make time to present and brief and report, without any gains in exchange? Is he gg to give some valuable insights and to guide me, if not, i will report, but i will not spend so much effort to perfect the brief. It is jus not necessary and meaningless and im sorry that the standard to brief is not good enough. It is the boss' job to guide and to perfect it along the way, the tolerance and patience given to the staff to better his or her presentation. And do explain why, not jus saying " u mus do this and that, there is no why cos everyone is doing it, and i have no choice." If u understand my character, this is never acceptable to me, and i have no intention of changing myself to just do it. 

The korean show pinnochio is a good eg. A pinnochio syndrome is fictional, one who cant lie, else will keep hiccupping, and everyone knows that he or she is lying. To make scenes newsworthy, they have to shoot scenes of pple slipping on the ice and falling down. And yes u can only eye power, cannot help, and u wish that more fell to get the severity of the situation on film. The character cant take it, she jus has to help. And that ruin whats captured on film. It doesnt occur to her until some senpai pointed out, now nobody will be aware, nobody will take the situation more seriously, and be more wary when they walk along the roads, the message isnt conveyed that the roads are really slippery due to the heavy snow. And she wont help anymore, she collects info instead by interviewing the pedestrians to convey issues on the roads due to the snow to the mass public. The mindset is reframed. The job becomes more purposeful, and it isnt trying to make them become a worse person by nt helping jus to get newsworthy pieces.

So yes, i will blame my boss for not explaining it to me, it is expected of the boss to do so. Like what i did to my staff. I explain the firm belief behind the task, it makes our job seems more useful. Lousy bosses cant understand this. Even if they explain, they explain it to their own acdeptance lvl, and not according to the staff's personality. Im aware of this, so i can treat my staff this way too. According to their personality, i know what they r looking for, and when i negotiate, i go according to what they had desired it to be. This is adapting. I will continue to hone this skill.

2. Pretentious. Many times i was told that at this lvl, u need to do this and that. It is wayang to me. I felt prisoned. Why will i condone such actions? Im glad i did everything within my control to change it. And not follow suit. And i am supported by this quote from an article.

As a leader, Fairn explains, “I strive to be real, open, and unpretentious, so people can be themselves around me and access the most energy. I generate that vigor by really getting to know the people I work with and finding out what’s important to them personally.” In short, managing your energy means being authentic at work and encouraging others to do the same. Discover and play to your signature strengths, make room for your team to play to theirs, and as a result, you’ll be able to unleash greater performance as a team.

Maybe it is really jus these two fundamental values. Jus 2? But severe enuff. Im not sure are there anything else. Realisation. I didnt know what was really bothering me, i jus know that i hate, but i dig deeper i can communicate actually. Sharm is a great communicator, i like her ted x talk. She is humble, and she is genuine and she shares unpretentiously. It was natural. A great role model. It is not the content, it is the aura of the speaker. It doesnt need need to be polished. The strength and energy emitted to influence and engage. When can i reach this stage?

3. Wait, one more coming to my mind. Not doing what the boss shld do, instead jus saying no choice. Yes i hated this too. Whats the pt of highlighting to the boss then, might as well settle myself. resource was poorly managed. Doesnt make sense. Maybe it is supposed to, it wasnt explained. Alot of hidden agendas, lack of teamwork. Not someone im keen to follow, to run alongside and to work for or with. Instead, is someone i want to shun from as it was making my life difficult, energy draining. Yes im in control to get rid of these negativities. Not helping the staff. Placed the organisation above the staff. It shld be on par, striking win win and not jus win for the org. Wat a disgrace to even drive oneself to behave this way. Urgh. It is like a terrorist mindset. Wat on earth, striving and chionging for a ridiculous belief. It doesnt matter if org was good or bad, it is the concept that u sacrifice one side for the other. It is incorrigible. See? How do i articulate this, pple with the same values will share such sentiments, without the need to say in words. The exchange of brainwaves. There is prolly no right or wrong. Like saving private ryan. It is controversial and morally dilemmic, it is jus easier to work with the same sch of thots. So opposing sch of thots are good for offering alternative views, but not to be forced upon. Kinda link to first one prolly. But this is v much imposing one's ideas onto others, not embracing diversity. So much crap abt embracing diversity. Appalled.

So yes tats abt it i guess. When im asked, i can flip this up for them to read. Or i shld try to articulate these thots as well as speakers i salute to. I will write abt what i love next time.

Heart v mind

Lhttp://www.boredpanda.com/heart-and-brain-web-comic-awkward-yeti-nick-seluk/

This comic is cute. Lol. The constant struggle betw the mind and the heart. Which will u follow? I dont know abt the rest of the human race, i m always stuck in this struggle. Which is really bad right. Tho many times, as long as not at the expense of others, i will jus follow my heart. Freedom is my life motto. YOLO so why mus u do the most logical thing, having said this, my brain likes to take over and fixes everything which doesnt seem right, urghhhh.. See what i mean. It is alr at work. Blogging is fine, i get to just throw out whatever is on my mind, i dont filter much. Becos of my speed, even when i speak, i dont filter much. So yes can be offensive at times, and at times, i dont really mean what it seems to be. 

Im quite lazy to use my brain at times, it feels v drained. My fren said that this is called stretched. My facial muscles felt cramp, my brain felt like exploding, i dont fancy this, dont feel at ease, not natural, not fun.

U know i compare the 2 days, thurs and fri. Thurs i went to a damn ulu raintr33 hotel whose name really sound sleazy for a workshop - 5-yr strategic planning. With the mgmt, i only felt out of place. I dont know why im there in the first place. But it is good for exposure. It is actually v interesting. The right move to brain pool for ideas to wow others with our beloved national icon. They shld have an app for pple to post on the walls and to vote. Yes all staff shld be given a chance to participate. The power of crowdsourcing. I also thot of many ideas, these type come up the best at lunch talks, when u can talk freely. So many E pple ard, dying to share their ideas, i wont want to interrupt, jus a barrier that im in no position to. Thats why an app prolly will help, not jus one day but over a period of time, when pple bathe, shit, commute, stone, ideas will jus keep flowing. And i mus say that the presentation was superb leh. The content, the ability to engage, the backgrd, the relevance, the facilitation techniques all there, im really impressed. Reminds me of the sessions at hta hq and yep hq. There r v good speakers ard. They r smart but they dont dominate. They faciliate, that was the crux and i really like this skill cos you encourage pple to share their ideas and when you process and connect the dots, you unravel the universe, the power of brainstorming together. A v constrained session for me, it will be so much fun if i'm with my clique, one session, one day is cfm insufficient. This is cool, sit down to think, to exchange, to share and not jus blindly rushing without a purpose. They need to communicate the purpose of projects outcomes more seriously. It is more purposeful to work like tat. Pple wont mind putting in extra effort for a greater good, a greater cause, the ultimate reason why u even work, other than for the remuneration. And i really jus had to skip their dinner, cos it will nt be fun, i cant talk freely, i dont like some pple and i cant fake and wayang. I know i shld learn how to socialise, actually i can do it easily, but jus not that setting especially i know some styles. I recall steve mentioning the dinner at sweden, some pple are talking to me more, i dunno why he mus mention it, is he jealous or upset? Anyway, i jus cant be myself and i really hate to put myself in such situations. Even tho i v much want to know more pple. Sigh. I will choose to pass. Thats why travel is good right, u start on a clean slate, u dont know anyone, u start to learn more frm strangers. Anyway, i think it is good to put myself outside my comfort zone, i feel stupid among them, cos ya like what frens said, maybe im jus not familiar with the subject, tho it may be consolation that im actually not v smart, since my brain is taxed so much. It seems like working my brain too hard. It hurts. Thats why it is a good move to ops. I need to restart learning some other systems, i got a timeline, i need to pick up fast and deploy it. How? I need to startegise and use others' saws. It is actually a good feeling, cos it is teamwork, i need them, and i need to squeeze my way in to see how i can contribute without disappointing some who have faith in my involvement. Challenge to live up to their expectation, but im willing to take this one up. Bring it on. Im surprised actually, im usually, aiya why mus i do this, sianz leh. This one, i have the drive, missing for a long time. Im glad it is back. And i thank the presence of good influence ard me. The encouragement of these presence drives me.

And so on fri, i voluntarily went on site to support kenny, poor guy, so much weight to be carried, and alone. His boss, his peers (lucky he has us), his staff....or maybe he is not engaging them enuff, or they left him in the lurch i dunno. It is such a fun site walk. The team was there, the pple are so nice. Helping one another to build better comms rooms which are fit for use. To rectify defects without argument. Such a good working relationship, n watching the strengths of all at work. The atmosphere was heartwarming actually. A strong team with a good culture, closely knitted with competence, capability and fun! And i learnt too, mind not too stretched but i learnt what they look out for. Im v eager to learn from subject matter experts and they explain why, thanks for sharing the info, im always v uncomfortable with making pple wasting time explaining to me, so im really grateful. So yes, i love fri, i hate thurs. not the subject, it is the people.

I had a good talk with my new boss too. He has the same mindset as me. Phew. The fundamentals, the values arent clashing. And of cos i know the difference betw us, he is smarter, he is more tactful and he is super good at relationship and presentation, the way he speaks with the rightly timed pauses. Good to have found a role model. He gives me good vibes, that i know he will help me if i need him, less that he is quite busy also. Time may a problem. V pple mgr too, knows what staff needs instead imposing what the staff is expected onto them. I will rmb the content of the chat, i will try to work on it, i hope i progress over the yrs instead of remaining stagnant. And my dear new staff is also not 省油的灯. And my new boss uses quite cheem chinese sia.....haven met such pple for a long time. I mean my chinese is lousy, but there r so many pple worse than mine. Lol. The dunmanians agree when we met at sw's wedding last month, somemore they r c lit pple. We are really surprised that sgporeans mandarin are really quite cmi. I think mine's the worse among my dunmanians frens alr. And so yes nat, i thot she is v gd leh, jus like ilean and isa, i have things to learn frm them, a great start right. Ive heard pple complaining abt how incompetent their staff are, end up they do themselves, im so lucky i guess. And jeff say 马终于遇见他的伯乐. I was like whoa. I really dunno why the complaints abt nat. Sometimes if the boss is not good, not capable of managing and developing staff, then still wanna blame the staff for this and that, and worse, badmouth staff? Dont say smth like haven learnt to run, then want to fly. Everyone's pace is different, how do u know that she cant run? Jus ur assessment, from dunno which stereotype, even if it is, dont need to put pple down. Im sure if u compare the same schling year, she is better than u. So dont put pple down, jus becos you were born a few years earlier. So 嚣张 these, cmi. So judgemental. Anyway yes i debunk most of his judgement, dunno hear from who. And i can hear that he himself is also praising her, even at calibration session. There is a lvl of uncertainty in the judgement, so this is good. Cant label one person as bad yet. Or good. Actually biasness is really scary. Once good, may not be always good. Cannot be one judge good and 10 others judge him to be bad, then he is still considered cos the one judge is oblivious to the surroundings, or jus becos he has higher weight n more say in concluding whether one is good or bad. So the ability to sustain is impt. Jus like the airport. Jus like myself, when i know when i slip, which is still fortunate for me as im aware. I know how to bring it back up, and influence positively while impacting necessary skills selflessly. So yes thanks for reconfirming my own assessment too.  Thanks for being open and honest. This r/s shldnt be taken granted. 

Honestly, im abit 愧疚, recently they have been saying more. Voicing out more. More of 1 jul. more of nobody to discuss with, more of preference to work tog cos i can cover things they lack such as ability to recognise 360 views and setting clear directions. Lol i take it as compliment. I really think i can set better directions than many others, i know wat risks im taking, instead of leaving it hanging in mid air, thats how staff can execute with peace of mind and with certainty. This will enable them. But im perceived that im weaker in these areas as compared to drive, which is also why i keep sharpening myself in these areas. Ya maybe not good enuff. And yes im sure my execution drops also actually due to workload, but it is still the highest score, so i also wonder why. Maybe i shld find some mentors to chit chat, forgot to ask jeff, but then maybe working r/s not long enuff to tell, tho he mentioned he had watched and know how i work since a long time back. I had a few qn marks at that moment. So fast judge le ah, but well, be it good or bad, maybe i can prove them wrong, tats why once good or bad, may not be forever good or bad. Stamina to sustain is key.

My heart is v much towards nt doing, the gap with the brain is higher now. Less disciplined, more nua. But im enjoying life more, and im termed as farnie and notty by others leh..lol. Cute too. Whatever that means, yes. Lol. Even the new contract staff also wonder why. N he is a good observer . Smart also. If he is nt attached, i think he is superb for ilean.